Stede hummed happily to himself as he picked up the last flowers from the garden. The crew was finally here to visit him and Ed at their inn, and he wanted to make sure that the rooms all looked nice and cozy.
The cute little daisies were perfect for the kitchen, and, ooh, the hibiscus would look so lovely in Ed's hair…
Before he knew it, the basket Stede was carrying was full of beautiful flowers, and he smiled—time to get back to Ed and the crew.
For a moment, he just stood outside and watched them through the window. It felt right to have the whole crew together again. And, if he was being honest, it was nice to show off the inn a little bit. Most of their friends had been skeptical about the whole idea, not sure that he and Ed could pull it off—but here it was, concrete proof that they could escape the violence of piracy and build a quiet, cozy life together, that they could do whatever they set their minds to.
Stede was just about to go back inside to join his friends when he heard it.
"Where did Stede go?" Lucius asked.
"Oh, he's outside, gathering flowers," Ed explained, and then: laughter. Loud, roaring laughter, and suddenly, Stede was eleven again, hiding as the Badmintons chased him through the meadow, praying desperately that they wouldn't catch him this time.
Stede's legs were shaking, and he had to lean against the wall of the inn to keep himself from falling. Calm down, Baby Bonnet, he told himself, you’re not a child anymore.
But he couldn't help the way his breathing was getting faster and faster, the way his whole body trembled at the memories.
"What have you got there, Baby Bonnet?" Nigel was asking. "Oh look, these flowers are just as tiny and ugly as you are! How fitting!" Everyone was laughing now, so loudly that Stede could barely hear his own thoughts anymore. And then… "Get him!" Chauncey screamed. "Let's show Baby Bonnet what we do with pansies!"
"No, no, no, please, no…" Stede whispered to himself. "No, please don't, not again—"
"Stede?"
Stede jumped at the sound of his own name. He looked up—when had he sunken down to his knees?—to find Lucius staring at him. "Shit, Stede, are you okay?" Lucius asked, sounding strangely worried.
"Sorry," Stede muttered, putting on his best smile even though he could barely catch his breath. "I'm fine. Just give me a minute, and I'll be right back in."
Lucius smiled sadly as he sat down next to him. "I don't think you're fine, honey."
And for some reason, that was what made the dam break. Stede put his head in his hands and cried, curling into himself to try and make himself as small as possible.
"Stede, fuck, okay," he heard Lucius say, sounding almost as panicked as Stede felt. "It's okay. Just, um, just breathe, yeah?"
Stede only sobbed louder. "Can't," he gasped.
"Yes, you can," Lucius assured him. "Can I touch you?" Stede flinched and shook his head, backing against the wall of the inn.
"That's alright. I won't touch you," Lucius promised. "Can you try to follow my breathing?"
Lucius took a deep breath, held it for a few seconds, and then breathed out again, loud and exaggerated. He repeated this a few times, and Stede tried to match him until his own breaths finally slowed and deepened. "That's it!" Lucius beamed at him. "Keep breathing, you're doing great."
"Sorry," Stede squawked out after a few minutes. "I didn't mean to—"
"Don't apologize," Lucius interrupted with a kind smile. "It's fine. I sometimes get panic attacks, too, but Pete taught me—What?" he asked when he noticed Stede wasn't listening anymore.
"Panic attack…" Stede murmured, trying the word out for the first time. "Is that what that was?"
Lucius' expression softened even more. "Oh, honey. First one?"
Stede snorted at that. "God, no. Just didn't know it had a name."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Lucius asked, so genuinely that Stede almost started crying again.
"I—" he started, not really knowing what to say. "It's so silly, I really don't know why I—"
"It's not silly," Lucius corrected him immediately, then smiled at him apologetically. "Sorry. Go on."
Stede took a deep breath before continuing. "Well, I… I was always a weird child. I mean, I'm also a weird adult, so no surprises there." He chuckled sadly to himself. "I used to be more quiet, though. Didn't talk much, unless someone mentioned a topic I was particularly interested in—then I couldn't stop babbling on and on about it until everyone got bored of me and my rambling."
"Stede, I'm so s—" Lucius began, but Stede shook his head.
"It's alright. Anyway, I never really fit in with other boys my age. Boarding school was…" he shuddered at the memory, "…rough. Do you remember the Badmintons?"
"Navy Guy and Mr. Wavy Blade?" Stede nodded. "Ugh, yeah, I remember them."
"They were the worst, but the other boys didn't particularly like me either. I just wasn't like them, and they knew it. I didn't have any interest in fighting or sports, and I cried a lot… I was the perfect target, I suppose." He shrugged. "So, I spent most of my time alone. I always loved nature, and studying interesting insects and plants made me happy. But then, one day, the Badmintons and their friends found me picking flowers, and they—they…"
It was getting harder to breathe again, and Stede squeezed his eyes shut, afraid that if he continued, he would burst into tears.
"It's okay," Lucius said softly. "You don't have to tell me. I'm really sorry this happened to you, Stede, but I promise you're safe now. No one's going to hurt you."
"Thank you," Stede whispered, his voice trembling. "And I know. I know that I'm safe now. It was just… I was looking for some pretty flowers to make the inn look nice for you all, but when Ed said I was gathering flowers, everyone started laughing, and it… It felt like I was back there. I'm sorry."
Lucius looked at him with wide eyes. "Fuck, Stede, that's not…" He stood up suddenly and held out his hand. "Do you feel up to going inside? I need to show you something." Surprised, Stede nodded and let Lucius pull him upright.
When they stepped into the inn, Ed immediately pulled Stede into his arms. "Babe, where were you? I missed you." He gave Stede a quick peck on the cheek. Then, taking a closer look at Stede's red eyes, he added, "Are you okay? Did something happen?"
"I, um," Stede stammered, blushing a little under the attention, "yeah, kind of, but I'm okay now. Lucius helped."
Ed shot Lucius a curious look, but Lucius just grinned. "I think it's time to show Stede our little surprise."
At that, Ed lit up. "Ooh, yes! Stede, babe, close your eyes, please." Ed carefully led him to the living room, giggling excitedly all the way there. "Okay, now… Open them!"
Stede looked around to see their crew smiling at him, and for some reason, everyone was wearing… flower crowns?
"Tadaa!" Ed announced. "We made flower crowns, babe!" He handed Stede a beautiful little crown made of sunflowers. "This one's for you."
"I—" Stede didn't know what to say. "Guys, that's so sweet! And you all look so beautiful!"
"You worked so hard to make the inn look pretty for us, so we wanted to look pretty, too," Oluwande explained. "And since you know so much about flowers, maybe you could teach us a bit about them?"
"That's why we laughed when Ed told us you were picking flowers," Lucius added softly. "We weren't making fun of you. We just thought it was a funny coincidence."
Stede couldn't help the tears gathering in his eyes. "I love you all so much, you don't even know—"
"We do know," Ed interrupted him gently. "And we love you, too. Just the way you are."
The others nodded vigorously. "Yeah! You're part of our… our… community," Roach explained very seriously.
"We love you, captain!" Pete called from the back of the room.
"Your flowers look very pretty," the Swede added, and Stede giggled happily.
"Thank you," Stede said, feeling lighter than he had all day. "You did choose some very lovely flowers. That's lavender, and—ooh, are those orchids? I—oh, no!" He suddenly interrupted himself. "I forgot my flower basket in the garden!"
Everyone began to laugh, and this time, Stede joined in. Yeah, he thought, he was finally safe now, with his crew—his family.