Stede held it together. He had held it together while freeing his crew, explaining his plan to them, and taking back their ship. The crew was his family, and no matter what had happened in his absence, he wouldn’t let anyone take them away from him.
But now, with everyone safe on the Revenge, laughing and celebrating their successful escape, he just couldn't hold it together anymore.
Ed…
Ed should be here with them. But instead…
Stede sighed when he heard footsteps behind him. The last thing he wanted to do at the moment was talk to anyone, but his crew needed him. Ed had needed him.
"I just wanted to thank you for—"
Stede stormed past him without even thinking about it. He couldn't deal with Izzy right now. He couldn't deal with any of this right now.
He needed to see Ed. His Ed, lying on that bench, all alone and… He couldn't bring himself to finish the thought.
Stede forced back the tears and made his way to the secret room the crew had hidden Ed in after they…
Stede shuddered. He should have been here, should have protected Ed. But then again, if he had been here, the crew wouldn't have had any reason to attack Ed in the first place.
Stede closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. Then he stepped into the room, and his heart broke. The second he saw Ed, his breath caught in his throat and he couldn't hold back his tears anymore. Oh, my love. What have I done to you?
He sat down at Ed's side, trembling. He could barely even look at him, couldn't stand to see Ed like this.
“You nut," he whispered, trying and failing to keep his voice from breaking. "Why’d you have to go and get yourself killed?” It wasn't Ed's fault, Stede knew that. He had done this to him. Stede was the reason the love of his life was dead.
This was wrong, all of this was so wrong, it made Stede want to scream at the unfairness of it all. He should be the one lying there, lifeless and alone, not Ed. This is all my fault. I should have never left you. I should have told you how much I love you. I'm sorry, Ed.
Carefully, he lifted the cloth from Ed's face, and somehow, this made everything even worse. Ed's face was so pale, covered in bruises and cuts, and it was only then that Stede realized he was never going to see Ed's eyes again.
Stede buried his face in his hands and sobbed.
“I messed up. I messed all of this up." He should have been here. Should have met Ed on that dock instead of letting him return to a life he hated so much. I thought I would ruin you by staying. And now I killed you by leaving.
"I’m sorry, Ed. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”
He knew Ed couldn't hear him, just like Stede would never hear Ed's voice again. But he couldn't stop apologizing. I'm sorry. You deserved better than this. I love you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Stede kept apologizing, silently begging Ed to forgive him even though he didn't deserve his forgiveness, until suddenly he could hear a sound other than his sobs.
Confused, he looked up and tried to locate the source of the strange noise. Then, he gasped. Ed's hand was twitching violently, and Stede instinctively took it into his own. Ed's fingers immediately tightened around Stede’s, clinging to him as if his life depended on it, and suddenly, Stede couldn't breathe. Ed was still alive. There was a chance he might survive this.
"Ed? Ed!" Ed didn't respond, of course he didn't, but Stede didn't care. "Wake up! Wake up, Ed, please, I'm here."
Stede knew he was shaking Ed's shoulders too hard, was probably making his injuries worse, but he couldn't stop. He needed Ed to wake up. "Please wake up! Come back to me!" His voice cracked with desperation. He couldn't lose Ed, not like this.
"Ed, don't die, please don't die," Stede begged, desperately hoping that Ed could hear him somehow. "I'm here now! I'm here, Ed! I'm here. Ed...Ed! Ed, wake up! Wake up! Ed, wake up, come on, I'm here!"
Realizing he was yelling at Ed, his voice softened. "I'll never leave you, I'll never leave again," he promised. Leaving Ed was the biggest mistake of Stede’s life. He would stay by Ed's side forever, if Ed would let him. "I'm here. I'm here. You're safe." I'll spend my whole life keeping you safe. Just wake up, please.
"Come back to me."
And then, Ed gasped, his eyes flying open and immediately finding Stede’s own. Stede squeezed Ed's hand so tightly he worried he would hurt him, and his eyes filled with tears of joy when Ed squeezed back - weak, but undoubtedly alive.
"You came back," Stede whispered, smiling as he gently brushed a strand of wet hair from Ed's forehead.
Ed just whimpered softly, and Stede couldn't help but sob. “I thought I lost you.”
He was still crying when, without warning, Ed jerked up so fast that his head slammed into Stede’s. "Ed!" He groaned in pain, but didn't let go of Ed, not even for a second. “Shh, it’s alright, it’s alright. I guess I deserved that," he chuckled softly. "I'm sorry, Ed, I'm so sorry. I know I hurt you, but I'm not going anywhere. I'll never leave you again."
Ed just looked at him with his beautiful eyes, eyes Stede thought he would never see again, until he suddenly shivered and whispered, almost too quietly to hear: "Cold…"
It was only then that Stede realized Ed was still completely drenched from the storm. "Oh, Ed, I'm sorry, I should've…" He took off his jacket and laid it over Ed like a blanket. "Is that better?"
Ed was still trembling, though Stede was not sure if it was from the cold or the… well, almost dying.
"Ed," he asked hesitantly, "can I hold you?" Ed looked at him, startled. "What?" He croaked. "Why?"
Stede smiled sheepishly. "Well, you're clearly still cold, and I…" His voice broke, and his eyes welled with tears again. "Ed, I almost lost you. I was so scared, I…"
"Yeah."
"What?" Stede looked at him in confusion.
"Yeah, you can fucking hold me."
Stede sighed in relief and smiled, climbing onto the makeshift bed and finally, finally wrapping his arms around Ed. Ed nuzzled into the warmth, and Stede carefully ran his fingers through his hair. "I've got you. You're safe now. It's going to be okay, Ed, I promise."
"I still hate you."
"I know," Stede whispered, gently brushing away a tear from Ed's cheek. "And you have every right to hate me after what I did to you, but we'll figure it out, okay? We'll figure this out."
Stede knew they would have a lot of talking to do, a lot of explaining and apologizing, but for now, this was enough. All he needed right now was Ed, finally safe and warm in his arms.