The feeling caught Ed off guard this time.
He had been working on the front porch of the inn, humming happily to himself as he fixed the old, broken windows. He'd been planning on building a little bench for Stede and him to sit on, too, but it was such a hot day, and honestly, he would much rather relax with a book, a cool drink, and, of course, Stede. So, he decided to call it a day and went inside to find his boyfriend.
"Babe?" he called out. Stede had been trying to assemble some bookshelves for the inn's library when Ed last saw him, but he was sure that he would be more than on board with spending the day relaxing together instead. "Stede?" he asked again when Stede didn't answer his calls. "Babe, where are you?"
And that was when he saw it. A little note in Stede's handwriting, folded neatly on the kitchen table.
"Dear Ed," the note said, and Ed gulped, fearing the worst. "I'm going on a little walk in the forest behind the inn. I'll be back for dinner. Love, Stede."
Oh. That… explained things. Stede was just going for a walk. He would come back soon, and then they would finally get to eat the nice fish Ed caught this morning. Everything was fine.
So why was he feeling like claws were squeezing his lungs?
Ed shook his head. Nope, not this again. Get it together, Teach. Everything. Is. Fine. Fucking hell, Stede was just going for a little walk, probably to find some yummy berries or mushrooms, and he didn't ask Ed to come with him because—because…
Because he's tired of you, a tiny voice in Ed's head whispered. You talked too much again, and now he wants to get away from you to have some peace and quiet.
"Stop that," Ed told himself, but he could feel the doubt setting in. He really had talked a lot this morning, babbling on and on about fishing and funny-looking clouds and whatever else was on his mind. Stede had listened to him, of course, and even asked a few questions, but what if he had just been counting the minutes until he could get away from Ed?
Trembling, Ed leaned against the wall, trying to get his breathing back under control. Fuck, why did he always have to go and mess things up?
He needed to fix this somehow. He needed to stop being so fucking annoying and apologize to Stede.
Two hours later, Ed had deep-cleaned the entire inn, gathered some pretty flowers for Stede, and was just about to begin cooking their dinner when he heard the door open.
"Ed, darling, I'm home!" Stede called out from the doorway, his voice sounding as cheerful as ever. Good, Ed thought to himself, he finally got to relax a bit without me getting on his nerves.
"Ed?" Stede asked when Ed didn't reply. "Oh, there you are!" He stepped into the kitchen and immediately wrapped his arms around Ed, giving him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Hello, love. I missed you."
No, he didn't. "Hi," Ed said quietly, then forced himself to ask, "Did you have a nice walk?"
Stede lit up at that. "Oh, yes! I saw so many interesting birds, and then I discovered the prettiest little moths! They're called Black Witch Moths, and I have never seen one in person, so I was…" Suddenly, he trailed off and gave Ed a worried look. "What's wrong?"
Ed opened his mouth to tell Stede that everything was fine, that he didn't need to worry about him, but the genuine concern in Stede's eyes shut him right up. "I'm sorry," Ed muttered, curling into himself.
"Ed," Stede said, so quietly that it broke Ed's heart. "Talk to me, darling. Please."
Ed couldn't help the way his voice was wobbling, and he turned away to try to hide the tears in his eyes. "It's stupid."
Stede sighed. There it is, the little voice in Ed's head said. Now he's mad at you. But then, "Ed, sweetheart," Stede said. "It's not stupid if it makes you upset. Was it something I said? Did I do something wrong?"
"No!" Ed called out immediately, a little too loud. "Or, I don't know. Kind of? But it wasn't your fault."
Stede smiled softly and took Ed's hand. "A little context would be helpful, don't you think, love?"
"Oh. Yeah, um, maybe." But where was he supposed to start? "It's… I... "He sighed, frustrated. "It was the note."
Stede stared at him in confusion. "Note? What note?"
Ed stared at his hands. This was so embarrassing. Why did he have to get so upset about a little note Stede didn't even remember writing?
"The one you left for me in the kitchen," he mumbled, "before your walk."
"Oh, of course!" Stede said, relieved. Then he frowned. "Wait. So I did say something wrong. Or, well, write, in this case."
Ed shook his head. "Nah. Told you it wasn't your fault. It was just—You left without telling me, or asking if I wanted to come with you, and I..." He sniffled, unable to hold the tears back any longer. "I got so scared, Stede. I thought you hated me."
The look on Stede's face broke Ed's heart. "Ed, sweetheart," he said, cupping Ed's cheek with his hand, "I could never hate you. Please tell me you know that."
Ed stayed quiet.
"Ed," Stede whispered, and now there were tears in his eyes, too. "Ed, please."
"I'm sorry," Ed said again, but Stede shook his head.
"No, no, love, you have nothing to apologize for. It's my fault, I should have asked you to come with me, but I know you hate nature, so I thought—"
"It's not your fault, either, babe," Ed cut him off. "It's just…" He sighed. "Sometimes my emotions get so big, Stede, and it's fucking terrifying. Some tiny little thing happens, and suddenly it feels like everyone hates me, and I know it's not true, but I can't help it, and I don't want you to always have to worry about my feelings, and it just… I hate it, Stede, I fucking hate it."
Stede just stared at him, and Ed was beginning to regret telling him the truth. But then, Stede asked very quietly, "Can I please hug you?"
Ed didn't trust himself to speak, so he just nodded and curled into Stede's arms. Just the warmth and gentleness of Stede's touch soothed him, and he nuzzled closer.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," Stede whispered. "I'm sorry you're hurting so much. What can I do?"
"I don't know," Ed muttered miserably.
Stede just held him closer. "Well, that's alright. We'll figure it out together. Just… please tell me when you're feeling like this, okay?"
Just the thought of telling Stede about the tiny, cruel voice inside his head made Ed want to cry. But he also knew that Stede would never hurt him—and that he loved him, even if Ed still couldn't quite believe it sometimes.
"I'm doing my best," he promised, and Stede looked at him with so much adoration in his eyes that Ed had to smile.
"I know you are, my love. And Ed?"
"Mm?"
"I love that your emotions are so big. Thank you for sharing them with me."
Ed closed his eyes and snuggled closer to Stede. "Love you, too," he whispered. Maybe Stede was right. Maybe feeling everything so intensely wasn't all bad—because his love for Stede was the most intense emotion of them all.